The department that turned firing into a growth opportunity.
In HR-speak, the allegedly objective process of choosing the 'best' candidate from a pool of applicants, theoretically based on qualifications rather than golf handicaps. In evolutionary biology, it's nature's brutal but effective hiring process where the most fit survive. Both involve a lot of comparison, some unconscious bias, and outcomes that won't please everyone.
The humans who exchange their time, skills, and sanity for money and the occasional pizza party. Unlike contractors, they're the ones actually entitled to benefits, PTO, and the dubious privilege of attending all-hands meetings. In HR-speak, they're 'talent' or 'human capital,' because calling them 'people we pay' lacks sophistication.
Acronym standing for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender—a community identifier that's spawned more variations than a software version numbering system (LGBTQIA+, etc.). In HR contexts, it's shorthand for diversity initiatives and employee resource groups. Originally four letters, now expandable to reflect the full spectrum of human identity.
The corporate euphemism for 'bad stuff we can't ignore anymore' that covers everything from expense fraud to harassment to using the company printer for your side hustle. It's what HR calls your behavior when they're building a paper trail for your termination. Comes in various flavors: professional, sexual, and the ever-popular 'gross misconduct' which means you're definitely getting fired.
A theoretical management approach where employees can discuss concerns with leadership anytime without fear of reprisal. In reality, it's a trap—the door may be open, but your career prospects close the moment you walk through it with bad news.
A mandatory waiting period before former employees can be rehired, theoretically preventing abuse of severance or unemployment benefits. It's the corporate version of 'you can't come back until you think about what you've done.'
The belief that opportunities, recognition, and resources are limited, causing employees to hoard information and compete destructively rather than collaborate. It's the organizational psychology behind every colleague who treats knowledge like nuclear launch codes.
When managers refuse to let high-performing employees transfer to other departments or pursue internal opportunities, prioritizing their own team's success over organizational needs. It's kidnapping, but make it corporate.
A trusted coworker you can rely on during workplace crises, conflicts, or political battles—your corporate survival partner. They'll cover your back during layoffs and won't throw you under the bus when projects fail.
An employee who frequently changes jobs every one to three years, accumulating varied experience while terrifying HR managers who value 'loyalty.' What older generations call 'unstable,' younger generations call 'career advancement.'
A temporary unpaid leave where employees remain technically employed but don't work or get paid, preserving benefits while saving the company money. It's the corporate equivalent of 'it's not you, it's the economy'—but actually, it's definitely the company's budget.
Corporate doublespeak for reassigning employees to different roles when their current positions are eliminated, often against their will or abilities. It's like musical chairs, except when the music stops, you're now doing someone else's job.
The 'New Guy/Gal' (with a more colorful adjective), referring to the newest team member who doesn't yet understand unspoken rules, inside jokes, or why everyone hates the quarterly all-hands meetings. Every workplace has one, and we've all been one.
A feedback technique where criticism is sandwiched between two compliments, creating a positivity-negativity-positivity structure. It's the culinary approach to telling someone they're failing, though most employees can smell the BS from a mile away.
Results-Only Work Environment, where employees are evaluated solely on output rather than hours worked or butts in seats. The radical notion that adults can be trusted to manage their own time as long as work gets done.
A person on payroll who doesn't actually exist or no longer works for the company, but continues collecting paychecks through fraud or administrative incompetence. The organizational equivalent of believing in paranormal activity, except the money really does disappear.
A staffing agency that provides temporary workers with minimal screening or quality control, treating employees as interchangeable units rather than individuals. The Walmart of human resources, if you will.
Long-tenured employees who no longer contribute effectively but are difficult to remove due to organizational inertia or legal protections. They're the human equivalent of that clutter you keep meaning to throw out but never do.
The formal or informal process of haggling over terms, most famously practiced between unions and management in what's delightfully called 'collective bargaining.' It's the workplace equivalent of a medieval negotiation, except instead of horses and land, you're fighting over dental coverage and whether casual Friday should include shorts. Success is measured by how much each side can claim victory while secretly knowing they compromised on everything.
The corporate-friendly term for deliberately leaving someone or something out, whether it's an insurance policy fine print gotcha or the social dynamics of not inviting Kevin to the planning meeting. In HR contexts, it's the thing companies are sued for when they accidentally-on-purpose leave certain people out of opportunities. Organizations now have entire departments dedicated to preventing exclusion while their employee resource groups meet during everyone's lunch break.
The corporate buzzword for having a workplace that actually reflects what the real world looks like, rather than a 1950s country club. It's the intentional inclusion of people from different backgrounds, races, genders, and experiences, ideally moving beyond token representation to genuine equality. When done right, it's transformative; when done wrong, it's a checkbox on a compliance form.
A legally permissible reason to discriminate in hiring based on characteristics like age, sex, or religion because they're essential to the job. Abbreviated as BFOQ, the rare loophole in anti-discrimination law.
When employees show up to work but are unproductive due to illness, burnout, or other issues. The zombie state of being physically present while mentally checked out or too sick to function.
Legal safeguards preventing retaliation against employees who report illegal or unethical company behavior. It's supposed to encourage speaking up, though in practice it often just ensures your career dies more slowly.