The department that turned firing into a growth opportunity.
A metric that measures how enthusiastic employees are about pretending to be enthusiastic about work. Companies spend millions trying to improve it when the real answer is usually "pay people more and stop scheduling 8 AM Friday meetings."
A conversation where a departing employee is asked to be brutally honest about the company, knowing full well the feedback will be filed somewhere between the recycling bin and oblivion. It's corporate theater at its finest.
The corporate buzzword for giving employees just enough authority to feel important without actually changing power structures or decision-making hierarchies. This feel-good initiative involves delegating responsibility (but rarely resources) while management maintains veto power over everything important. It's what happens when companies want engagement without surrendering actual control—autonomy theater at its finest.
The corporate-friendly term for deliberately leaving someone or something out, whether it's an insurance policy fine print gotcha or the social dynamics of not inviting Kevin to the planning meeting. In HR contexts, it's the thing companies are sued for when they accidentally-on-purpose leave certain people out of opportunities. Organizations now have entire departments dedicated to preventing exclusion while their employee resource groups meet during everyone's lunch break.
Digital training delivered through computers or devices instead of in-person instruction. Allows employees to complete mandatory compliance training while simultaneously answering emails and questioning their life choices.
Employee Assistance Program—a confidential service offering counseling, legal advice, and wellness resources, theoretically showing the company cares about your mental health while spending minimal money on actual support. The corporate equivalent of thoughts and prayers.
An organization's reputation as an employer and the value proposition it offers to potential and current employees. It's marketing, but aimed at people you want to exploit—er, employ.
The unique set of benefits and experiences an organization offers employees in exchange for their skills and effort. It's the answer to 'why would anyone work here?' that marketing writes and reality contradicts.
The unique set of benefits and experiences an employer offers in return for the skills and experience an employee brings. It's a marketing pitch, but for jobs instead of products.
The reputation and image a company cultivates as a place to work, usually involving glossy marketing that bears little resemblance to actual employee experience. It's catfishing for recruitment.
The humans who exchange their time, skills, and sanity for money and the occasional pizza party. Unlike contractors, they're the ones actually entitled to benefits, PTO, and the dubious privilege of attending all-hands meetings. In HR-speak, they're 'talent' or 'human capital,' because calling them 'people we pay' lacks sophistication.
The process of confirming a candidate's work history, job titles, and dates of employment with previous employers. Fact-checking that reveals approximately 40% of resumes contain 'creative embellishments.'
Formal performance reviews where managers awkwardly quantify your worth using arbitrary metrics and corporate buzzwords. These annual rituals determine whether you get a raise that doesn't match inflation or just a pizza party. Everyone pretends they're objective, but they're actually influenced by whoever remembered to say good morning to the boss most consistently.
A third-party organization that becomes the legal employer of workers on behalf of another company, handling payroll, taxes, and compliance. It's corporate outsourcing for the actual responsibility of employing people.
A legally binding agreement specifying terms of employment including duties, compensation, and termination conditions. Rare in the U.S. where at-will employment reigns, but standard elsewhere in the civilized world.
A company's reputation as a workplace and the value proposition it offers to employees. The carefully curated Instagram version of your company that bears little resemblance to actual office life.
Fair and impartial in a way that considers everyone's circumstances, not just treating everyone identically like some kind of corporate robot. It's the difference between giving everyone the same size ladder and giving everyone what they need to reach the same height. In legal contexts, it refers to principles of fairness that supplement rigid law with actual justice.
A continuously open job requisition used to build a talent pipeline for frequently needed roles. It gives the illusion of always hiring while allowing the company to ghost 99% of applicants at their leisure.
An employee classification that sounds like a get-out-of-jail-free card but actually means you're exempt from overtime pay, not from working yourself to death. Under the Fair Labor Standards Act, these salaried professionals can work 60-hour weeks without seeing an extra dime, all because they're deemed 'executive' or 'professional' enough. The cruel irony is that being exempt often means you're imprisoned by your inbox 24/7.
The corporate art of extracting maximum value from resources (read: humans) while providing minimum compensation or recognition. Often disguised with terms like 'opportunity' or 'exposure.' The uncomfortable truth behind many 'entry-level' positions and unpaid internships.
The journey from bright-eyed recruit to burnt-out veteran, charted meticulously by HR so they can optimize each stage of your slow demoralization.
Workers classified as exempt from overtime requirements under FLSA, typically salaried professionals who can work 60 hours and get paid for 40. The 'promotion' that actually decreases your hourly wage.
The corporate ritual where your boss assigns numerical values to your humanity, typically determining whether you get a raise or just 'valuable feedback.' It's an assessment that pretends to be objective while being influenced by office politics, recent memory bias, and how well you schmooze. In math, it's simply solving for X; in life, it's solving for your mortgage payment.
A way to pay employees partially in ownership stake instead of cash, which sounds great until the company fails or the stock becomes worthless.