The department that turned firing into a growth opportunity.
Paid Time Off, which is technically time away from work that you're paid for, except you'll spend half of it answering Slack messages and the other half feeling guilty for not answering them faster.
An annual ritual where your entire year of work is compressed into a 30-minute conversation and a rating between 1 and 5 that determines your raise, your bonus, and your will to live. It's American Idol but for spreadsheet proficiency.
An automated sequence of steps that code goes through from development to production, or a visual representation of your company's hopes and dreams flowing through stages of increasing disappointment. When the pipeline breaks, everything stops.
The practice of openly sharing salary ranges, compensation formulas, or actual employee pay—radical honesty that supposedly reduces wage gaps but makes everyone uncomfortable at company parties.
A corporate death sentence disguised as a helpful document, essentially telling an employee 'we're giving you 90 days to be someone else, or you're fired.'
A statistical examination of compensation data to identify unexplained pay differences based on protected characteristics like gender or race. The audit that makes executives nervous and lawyers wealthy.
In HR contexts, the complete compensation and benefits offering presented to an employee, including salary, bonuses, health insurance, retirement contributions, and various perks. It's how companies describe "what we're paying you" while making it sound more impressive by bundling in the dental plan and free coffee. Negotiating your package is essential because base salary tells only part of the story.
The non-monetary rewards of a job like satisfaction, prestige, or meaningful work. It's what employers offer when they can't offer competitive salaries, as if pride pays student loans.
Using data and statistics to make workforce decisions, transforming HR from gut feelings into spreadsheets. It's great until you realize they're tracking your bathroom breaks and email response times.
The fancy French word for "employees" that makes Human Resources sound more sophisticated when discussing the people they're about to reorganize. This term encompasses everyone on the payroll, from interns to executives, united in their shared experience of mandatory compliance training. It's the collective noun that reminds you that you're not a person, you're a resource.
The financial package given to departing executives (usually millionaires) to 'land softly,' because apparently regular severance isn't generous enough when stock options are involved.
Groups of people protected from discrimination under federal and state laws based on characteristics like race, gender, age, disability, and religion. Being in a protected class doesn't guarantee a job, but it does guarantee you can't be rejected because of that characteristic.
The theory that employees are promoted based on current performance until they reach a level of incompetence where they stop being promoted. Explains why so many managers seem terrible at their jobs.
Performance Improvement Plan—often the final step before termination disguised as developmental support. Plural form emphasizes that these are being distributed liberally, usually during reorganizations.
Leadership style treating employees like children who need guidance and protection. Often masks authoritarian decision-making as 'caring.'
Standardized assessments measuring candidates' cognitive abilities, personality traits, and behavioral tendencies for hiring or development purposes. It's astrology for HR, but with more statistics and legal defensibility.
Someone currently employed and not actively job hunting, but potentially open to the right opportunity. Recruiters love them because they're harder to get and therefore must be better, like that restaurant with no reservations.
A budgeting and workforce planning system that manages the number and type of authorized positions rather than just headcount. It's bureaucracy's answer to the question 'how many people can we afford?'
A short, frequent survey designed to measure employee sentiment quickly and regularly, while ignoring the data and continuing business as usual.
A colloquial and often derogatory term for a junior or insignificant employee, typically used behind closed doors by managers discussing organizational hierarchy. Not to be confused with a Performance Improvement Plan, though the employees might be headed for one.
The corporate world's version of "we're not sure about you yet," a trial period where new employees walk on eggshells while pretending everything is fine. It's essentially dating before marriage, except instead of meeting the parents, you're trying to prove you won't accidentally reply-all to the CEO. One wrong move and you're out faster than you can say "cultural fit."
The engagement process between accepting a job offer and the first day of work, designed to keep candidates excited and prevent them from ghosting. It's like dating after getting engaged—you've committed, but someone might still get cold feet.
The nerve-wracking trial period when a new employee must prove they're competent enough to keep their job permanently, or when a convict must demonstrate they won't immediately reoffend. During this anxious timeframe, performance is scrutinized more closely than a reality TV contestant's Instagram feed. One major screw-up and you're out—no second chances, no appeals, just a box for your desk plants.
When employees show up to work but are unproductive due to illness, burnout, or other issues. The zombie state of being physically present while mentally checked out or too sick to function.