The department that turned firing into a growth opportunity.
An annual ritual where your entire year of work is compressed into a 30-minute conversation and a rating between 1 and 5 that determines your raise, your bonus, and your will to live. It's American Idol but for spreadsheet proficiency.
Paid Time Off, which is technically time away from work that you're paid for, except you'll spend half of it answering Slack messages and the other half feeling guilty for not answering them faster.
An automated sequence of steps that code goes through from development to production, or a visual representation of your company's hopes and dreams flowing through stages of increasing disappointment. When the pipeline breaks, everything stops.
The practice of openly sharing salary ranges, compensation formulas, or actual employee pay—radical honesty that supposedly reduces wage gaps but makes everyone uncomfortable at company parties.
Someone currently employed and not actively job hunting, but potentially open to the right opportunity. Recruiters love them because they're harder to get and therefore must be better, like that restaurant with no reservations.
The non-monetary rewards of a job like satisfaction, prestige, or meaningful work. It's what employers offer when they can't offer competitive salaries, as if pride pays student loans.
Using data and statistics to make workforce decisions, transforming HR from gut feelings into spreadsheets. It's great until you realize they're tracking your bathroom breaks and email response times.
Standardized assessments measuring candidates' cognitive abilities, personality traits, and behavioral tendencies for hiring or development purposes. It's astrology for HR, but with more statistics and legal defensibility.
The corporate world's version of "we're not sure about you yet," a trial period where new employees walk on eggshells while pretending everything is fine. It's essentially dating before marriage, except instead of meeting the parents, you're trying to prove you won't accidentally reply-all to the CEO. One wrong move and you're out faster than you can say "cultural fit."
The mythical pot of money your employer promises to give you after decades of service, assuming the company still exists and hasn't discovered creative ways to restructure it away. It's the old-school retirement plan that's slowly going extinct, replaced by 401(k)s that shift all the investment risk to you. Europeans still have them; Americans mostly have fond memories.
The engagement process between accepting a job offer and the first day of work, designed to keep candidates excited and prevent them from ghosting. It's like dating after getting engaged—you've committed, but someone might still get cold feet.
In HR contexts, the complete compensation and benefits offering presented to an employee, including salary, bonuses, health insurance, retirement contributions, and various perks. It's how companies describe "what we're paying you" while making it sound more impressive by bundling in the dental plan and free coffee. Negotiating your package is essential because base salary tells only part of the story.
A budgeting and workforce planning system that manages the number and type of authorized positions rather than just headcount. It's bureaucracy's answer to the question 'how many people can we afford?'
The fancy French word for "employees" that makes Human Resources sound more sophisticated when discussing the people they're about to reorganize. This term encompasses everyone on the payroll, from interns to executives, united in their shared experience of mandatory compliance training. It's the collective noun that reminds you that you're not a person, you're a resource.
A compensation plan that mimics stock ownership benefits without actually giving employees real equity. They get cash bonuses tied to company value increases—all the performance pressure of ownership with none of the actual ownership.
Groups of people protected from discrimination under federal and state laws based on characteristics like race, gender, age, disability, and religion. Being in a protected class doesn't guarantee a job, but it does guarantee you can't be rejected because of that characteristic.
Using statistical models and historical data to forecast HR outcomes like turnover, performance, or hiring needs. It's HR pretending to be data science, with varying degrees of actual predictive power and ethical implications.
Performance Improvement Plan—often the final step before termination disguised as developmental support. Plural form emphasizes that these are being distributed liberally, usually during reorganizations.
A mythical perfect candidate who meets every single requirement on an impossibly specific job description. Recruiters hunt for them despite knowing they don't exist outside of HR fever dreams.
An initial employment phase, typically 30-90 days, during which both employer and employee evaluate fit with reduced job security. Corporate dating before commitment, except you're already living together.
When employees show up to work but are unproductive due to illness, burnout, or other issues. The zombie state of being physically present while mentally checked out or too sick to function.
The nerve-wracking trial period when a new employee must prove they're competent enough to keep their job permanently, or when a convict must demonstrate they won't immediately reoffend. During this anxious timeframe, performance is scrutinized more closely than a reality TV contestant's Instagram feed. One major screw-up and you're out—no second chances, no appeals, just a box for your desk plants.
A structured approach to correcting employee behavior through escalating consequences—verbal warning, written warning, suspension, termination. The corporate equivalent of 'three strikes you're out,' but with more paperwork.
A formal document outlining performance deficiencies and required improvements, theoretically offering support but practically serving as termination paperwork. The corporate 'we need to talk' that never ends well.