Performance Review

Definition

An annual ritual where your entire year of work is compressed into a 30-minute conversation and a rating between 1 and 5 that determines your raise, your bonus, and your will to live. It's American Idol but for spreadsheet proficiency.

Example Usage

"My performance review said I 'meet expectations.' The expectation was apparently to do three people's jobs for one person's salary. Expectations met." - A satisfactory employee

Related Terms

Beginner

ghost job

A job posting that remains listed despite the position being filled, cancelled, or never actually available. The corporate equivalent of catfishing, wasting candidates' time on phantom opportunities.

👥 Human Resources

Beginner

internship

A mutually beneficial arrangement where students gain "valuable experience" while companies gain valuable free (or underpaid) labor. Often the corporate equivalent of an audition, where bright-eyed candidates perform grunt work in exchange for LinkedIn bragging rights and the distant promise of actual employment. Despite the educational spin, it's basically a trial period where both parties determine if they can tolerate each other for 40+ hours a week.

👥 Human Resources

Intermediate

Termination

The clinical, robotic word for firing someone that makes it sound like deactivating a piece of equipment. HR uses it because saying "we ended a human's livelihood" doesn't fit neatly in a dropdown menu.

👥 Human Resources

Intermediate

employer brand

A company's reputation as a workplace and the value proposition it offers to employees. The carefully curated Instagram version of your company that bears little resemblance to actual office life.

👥 Human Resources

Intermediate

time to hire

The number of days between when a candidate enters your pipeline and when they accept an offer, measuring recruitment efficiency. Different from 'time to fill' which starts when the requisition opens—HR loves having multiple confusing metrics.

👥 Human Resources

Advanced

Golden Handcuffs

Compensation so generous that you can't afford to leave even though your soul left three years ago. Stock options, deferred bonuses, and pension vesting schedules designed to make quitting feel like financial self-harm.

👥 Human Resources

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