Wherein the party of the first part hereby confuses the party of the second part.
The one legal term everyone learned from television, shouted dramatically in courtrooms to interrupt opposing counsel, usually followed by a judge saying "overruled" and the lawyer sitting down looking defeated. The legal equivalent of raising your hand to tattle.
The legal profession's unit of time measurement, where a six-minute phone call becomes a full hour and reading an email counts as research. The only industry where the clock runs faster than in a microwave.
The ancient and mystical language spoken only by lawyers, characterized by sentences longer than some novels and words that have not been used in casual conversation since the reign of Henry VIII. Designed to be incomprehensible so you have to pay someone to translate it.
A contract that says you cannot tell anyone about the thing you now desperately want to tell everyone about. The legal system's way of making sure gossip has consequences.
The process of resolving disputes by spending more money on lawyers than the dispute was ever worth in the first place. The legal equivalent of burning down your house to kill a spider.
A strongly worded letter that is the legal equivalent of your mom using your full name when she is angry. It demands you stop doing something immediately, or else they will send an even more strongly worded letter.
A brave soul who reports illegal activity at their workplace and is rewarded with legal protection and social ostracism in roughly equal measure. The corporate equivalent of the kid who reminded the teacher about homework.
An agreement to end a lawsuit by paying money instead of going to trial, because both sides realized that the only people winning are the lawyers. The legal equivalent of splitting the check because nobody wants to argue anymore.
The legal concept of whose fault it is, which in practice means whoever has the most money and the fewest lawyers. The foundation upon which the entire legal profession builds its vacation homes.
A lawsuit where thousands of people band together to sue a corporation and, after years of litigation, each receive a check for $3.47 while the lawyers buy vacation homes. Democracy in action.
The person who starts a lawsuit, also known as the one who felt so wronged that writing a bad Yelp review was not sufficient. The legal system's way of saying "this person has a complaint and a budget."
A legal document that politely demands your presence in court, except the politeness is backed by the threat of jail time if you do not show up. The world's most aggressive invitation.
Ideas that someone slapped a legal fence around and declared "mine," even if the idea was just putting a clock on a toaster. The legal system's way of proving that thoughts can, in fact, be owned.
The 47 pages of fine print at the end of every contract that nobody reads but everyone pretends to. Written in a dialect of English that died in the 1800s and was resurrected by lawyers who charge by the word.
The amount of money a court says your suffering is worth, which is always simultaneously too much according to the defendant and not nearly enough according to you. Putting a price tag on misery is basically the legal system's entire business model.
A large sum of money you pay a lawyer upfront for the privilege of having them answer your phone calls, kind of like a subscription service for legal advice except Netflix never charged $500 an hour for buffering. Your lawyer's version of a security deposit.
The legal term for screwing up because you did not try hard enough, as opposed to screwing up because you tried too hard, which is just regular ambition. The foundation of every "I told you so" that ever went to court.
A process where a neutral third party helps two people who despise each other find common ground, like couples therapy but with more legal pads and less crying. Actually, about the same amount of crying.
A process where two parties who hate each other agree to let a third party they have never met settle their dispute instead of going to court. It is basically Judge Judy without the television audience and snarky one-liners.
The constitutional guarantee that the government cannot take away your life, liberty, or property without following proper procedures — which, given how slowly the legal system moves, means they will get around to it eventually.
A deal where you agree to plead guilty to a lesser charge so everyone can go home early, which is basically the legal version of settling for the lunch special because the full menu takes too long.
A document you sign giving up your rights, usually in exchange for getting to do something fun that might kill you. The legal form that stands between you and every trampoline park, zip line, and office team-building exercise.
The legal question of which court gets to deal with your problem, which usually results in everyone pointing at each other like that Spider-Man meme. Where you get sued matters almost as much as why you get sued.
When someone breaks a contract and everyone pretends to be shocked, even though the contract was 200 pages long and written in a font size that would make an ant squint. The legal equivalent of saying "you promised!"