The department that turned firing into a growth opportunity.
Groups of people protected from discrimination under federal and state laws based on characteristics like race, gender, age, disability, and religion. Being in a protected class doesn't guarantee a job, but it does guarantee you can't be rejected because of that characteristic.
The corporate equivalent of hitting the reset button on your career because your skills have become as obsolete as a floppy disk. It's when companies decide to teach old dogs new tricks rather than hiring new dogs, usually after technology has rendered your expertise irrelevant. Often involves uncomfortable Zoom sessions where you pretend to understand AI while secretly Googling basic terms.
Promotion to a higher rank, salary, or status; the reward system designed to keep ambitious humans grinding toward the next rung of the corporate ladder.
Grouping salary ranges into structured levels or bands to ensure internal equity and standardize compensation. The corporate attempt to make pay feel less arbitrary while maintaining exactly as much arbitrariness.
A vacation policy with no set limit on days off, theoretically giving employees freedom but often resulting in people taking less time off due to guilt and unclear boundaries. It's Schrödinger's benefit—simultaneously generous and stingy.
The formal process of passing power, position, or property from one party to the next, whether it's a CEO, a monarch, or your aunt's prized ceramic cat collection. In corporate and political circles, succession planning is the art of ensuring the ship doesn't sink when the captain retires. Also known as "musical chairs for grown-ups with actual consequences."
A natural aptitude or skill, or in HR and recruiting speak, any human being with a pulse and relevant keywords on their resume. Corporate talent acquisition teams have elevated the hunt for 'top talent' to an art form involving bizarre interview questions and salary ranges that mysteriously depend on 'experience level.' The term makes employees sound like performing artists, which is fitting given how much acting is required in open-plan offices.
The formal remedy or compensation provided when someone's been wronged, typically used in British English and corporate complaint departments. It's the bureaucratic equivalent of saying 'our bad, here's something to make you shut up.' The term suggests a systematic approach to fixing problems, though in practice it often means endless forms and qualified apologies.
An employee whose salary falls below the minimum of their pay range, typically due to promotion or market adjustments. The opposite of being overpaid—you're officially, systematically underpaid.
An employee whose salary exceeds the maximum of their pay range, typically marked with a red circle in compensation systems. They're earning more than their job is worth, usually grandfathered from a previous role, and won't see raises until the range catches up.
Someone currently employed and not actively job hunting, but potentially open to the right opportunity. Recruiters love them because they're harder to get and therefore must be better, like that restaurant with no reservations.
Results-Only Work Environment, where employees are evaluated solely on output rather than hours worked or butts in seats. The radical notion that adults can be trusted to manage their own time as long as work gets done.
Employment practices that appear neutral but disproportionately harm protected groups—essentially discrimination by spreadsheet rather than intent. It's illegal even when accidental, requiring employers to prove business necessity.
A feedback process where everyone in your orbit gets to anonymously roast you, ensuring that workplace grudges can be aired without accountability. It's democracy applied to performance reviews, which works about as well as you'd expect.
A job posting that remains listed despite the position being filled, cancelled, or never actually available. The corporate equivalent of catfishing, wasting candidates' time on phantom opportunities.
An independent contractor or freelancer working on temporary, flexible arrangements rather than traditional employment. They enjoy freedom and flexibility but forfeit benefits, protections, and financial security—the great trade-off of the 21st century.
A secondary job or income stream employees pursue outside their primary employment, ranging from Uber driving to freelance consulting. It's what used to be called 'having two jobs' before we rebranded poverty as entrepreneurship.
An invisible barrier preventing women and minorities from advancing to senior leadership positions, despite qualifications. A metaphor that's unfortunately more durable than glass.
A designated block of time when workers are expected to show up and be productive, usually during hours when humans would prefer to be sleeping or living. In corporate environments, it's the polite term for dividing a 24-hour day into segments of varying desirability. Night shift workers have a special place in society: tired, underappreciated, and deserving of much higher pay.
The perpetual HR challenge of finding, hiring, and occasionally yeeting employees to keep a business running smoothly. It encompasses everything from recruitment strategies to headcount planning, basically ensuring you have enough humans doing the right jobs at the right time. When companies say they have "staffing issues," it means they're either drowning in applications or desperately clinging to whoever shows up.
Employees entitled to overtime pay under the Fair Labor Standards Act, typically hourly workers. The classification that means you actually get paid for working extra hours, unlike your salaried colleagues.
Digital training delivered through computers or devices instead of in-person instruction. Allows employees to complete mandatory compliance training while simultaneously answering emails and questioning their life choices.
The gradual reduction of staff through resignations, retirements, or natural departures rather than layoffs. It's the slow-motion version of downsizing that executives love because it doesn't require awkward conversations.
In HR land, the polite corporate term for 'people yelling at each other about who ate whose yogurt,' escalated to include formal grievances, arbitration, and occasionally lawyers. These disagreements can range from genuinely important issues like discrimination to Jerry insisting his cubicle is 2.3 inches smaller than Sarah's. Most companies have a 47-step dispute resolution process designed to make everyone too exhausted to continue fighting.