The department that turned firing into a growth opportunity.
The shared values, beliefs, and behaviors that characterize how work gets done in a company. It's supposedly defined by leadership's vision statements but actually determined by what behavior gets rewarded and what gets ignored.
A subjective assessment of whether a candidate will mesh with existing team dynamics and company values, often used as a polite cover for 'we just didn't vibe with them.' Has been criticized for perpetuating homogeneity and unconscious bias.
Performance Improvement Plan—often the final step before termination disguised as developmental support. Plural form emphasizes that these are being distributed liberally, usually during reorganizations.
A continuously open job requisition used to build a talent pipeline for frequently needed roles. It gives the illusion of always hiring while allowing the company to ghost 99% of applicants at their leisure.
The systematic observation and tracking of employees' activities, performance, or communications, ostensibly for productivity and security purposes. Modern monitoring ranges from benign time-tracking to dystopian keystroke logging and AI-powered webcam analysis. It's either "accountability" or "Big Brother" depending on which side of the surveillance you're on.
Firing someone for a legitimate, documented reason rather than at-will whimsy. Typically requires progressive discipline, warnings, and enough paperwork to deforest a small country.
A meeting between an employee and their manager's manager, skipping the direct supervisor in the chain. It's meant to provide senior leaders with ground-level insight and employees with exposure, though it often makes middle managers paranoid.
An employee who jumps ship to work for the competition, usually taking trade secrets, client lists, and the good coffee machine pods with them. In corporate circles, defectors are simultaneously reviled by their former employers and celebrated by their new ones—at least until they defect again. The term carries a whiff of Cold War espionage, which is frankly appropriate given how HR treats these situations.
A corporate policy proving that middle managers need to physically see you working to justify their existence. Often disguised as promoting 'collaboration' while actually just protecting expensive real estate investments.
A workplace so dysfunctional it could qualify as a hazmat site, featuring backstabbing colleagues, tyrannical managers, or both. It's what therapy sessions and Sunday night anxiety are made of.
HR speak for 'your salary is disappointing, but look at all these other things!' A combination of pay, benefits, and perks designed to distract you from the fact that your base compensation hasn't kept up with inflation.
Corporate speak for 'oopsie, we did something illegal' that sounds vague enough for press releases. The catch-all term HR uses when someone definitely broke rules but lawyers advise keeping it ambiguous.範ges from expense fraud to ethical violations that mysteriously result in paid administrative leave.
A job change to a position at the same organizational level, typically for skill development or career pivoting. A promotion in learning opportunities only, with identical compensation.
The unwritten expectations and obligations between employer and employee beyond the formal employment agreement. The real deal that nobody discusses until it's violated.
The financial package given to departing executives (usually millionaires) to 'land softly,' because apparently regular severance isn't generous enough when stock options are involved.
A short, frequent survey designed to measure employee sentiment quickly and regularly, while ignoring the data and continuing business as usual.
The allocation of work tasks across team members—often grossly unequal and never actually addressed despite anonymous survey complaints.
A strategic initiative to ensure workplaces represent and support people from all backgrounds. Often abbreviated as DEI, sometimes followed by eye-rolling.
Family and Medical Leave Act—U.S. legislation allowing employees unpaid leave for medical/family reasons. It's generous by American standards, which is sad.
An employee classification that sounds like a get-out-of-jail-free card but actually means you're exempt from overtime pay, not from working yourself to death. Under the Fair Labor Standards Act, these salaried professionals can work 60-hour weeks without seeing an extra dime, all because they're deemed 'executive' or 'professional' enough. The cruel irony is that being exempt often means you're imprisoned by your inbox 24/7.
The collective mass of humans employed by an organization or available in a region, viewed as a resource to be optimized like RAM or warehouse space. This term reduces individuals to a single economic unit in spreadsheets and strategic planning documents, because "people" sounds too personal for quarterly reports. It's humanity transformed into a productivity metric.
The extent to which a candidate's values and behavior align with company norms—or more cynically, whether they laugh at the CEO's jokes and drink the same craft beer. Often criticized as code for 'hire people like us.'
A talent assessment matrix plotting employees on axes of performance and potential, creating nine categories from 'top talent' to 'actively looking.' Where careers are decided in a PowerPoint slide during calibration meetings.
Human Resources Information System—software that manages employee data, payroll, benefits, and basically every detail of your employment life. The database that knows more about you than you remember about yourself.