The department that turned firing into a growth opportunity.
To provide payment, benefits, or other consideration in exchange for services rendered or losses incurred—the art of making someone feel better about their suffering through the universal language of money.
A meeting where managers compare employee ratings to ensure consistency and fairness, theoretically. In practice, it's where your fate is decided by people arguing over forced distribution curves.
Breaking down a traditional job into smaller, specialized tasks that can be performed by workers with different abilities, often used in disability employment. It's job description Jenga played for inclusive purposes.
Positions that disproportionately impact organizational success, deserving extra investment in talent quality and retention. It's HR's way of admitting some jobs matter more than others, despite everyone being 'valued team members.'
An annual exercise where employees fill out anonymous surveys and nothing changes, yet somehow HR uses the data to justify their existence for another year.
A budgeting approach where every expense must be justified from zero, which sounds reasonable until you spend three months justifying office supplies.
Gradually reducing work hours or responsibilities as employees transition toward full retirement, theoretically enabling knowledge transfer. It's the professional equivalent of easing into cold water instead of diving in.
An imaginary reservoir of qualified candidates that HR claims to maintain but suspiciously disappears when you actually need to hire someone.
Enforcing strict discipline or pushing employees to work harder. Thankfully, now mostly metaphorical.
Continuously recruiting for positions even if they're not currently open. It's like fishing, but with résumés and desperation.
The slow-burning anger that builds when you feel wronged, betrayed, or disrespected—basically the emotion that keeps people therapy-adjacent forever. The gift that keeps on giving (poorly).
A public employee review on the Glassdoor platform—anonymous workplace roasting that HR reads obsessively while pretending not to care.
A mandate forcing remote workers back to physical offices—a decision made by executives who never attended Zoom meetings anyway.
A relationship where an experienced professional guides a less experienced one. It's networking with a life-size guidance system.
A diagram showing the hierarchy and reporting relationships within a company. It's the visual proof that someone important than you exists.
The diplomatic way of saying 'I am seriously annoyed with you and everyone should know it.' A polite expression of maximum dissatisfaction.
The carefully crafted fantasy of what makes your company a great place to work, which differs significantly from the employee value proposition (survival and a paycheck).
When an employer abruptly cuts off benefits (especially healthcare) immediately upon termination. It's as welcoming as a metaphorical door to the face.
Officially assigned or appointed to a specific role, duty, or responsibility—basically getting picked first, but sometimes you don't want to be picked.
An employee who reports directly to you, making you theoretically responsible for their development while practically just reviewing emails.
Measurable metrics that track employee or company performance. They're how HR translates 'are you doing your job?' into data.
Corporate-speak for 'we're getting rid of you through no fault of your own'—basically mass terminations triggered by budget cuts or business downturns, not performance issues. The nicer-sounding cousin of getting fired.
The power to tell people what to do and actually have them listen—the holy grail of leadership. Also: a direct order that questions are not welcome to ask about.
A percentage that measures how much employees care about work, determined by surveys they fill out while questioning their life choices.