The department that turned firing into a growth opportunity.
An employee's belief in their ability to succeed at tasks. It's the difference between 'I've got this' and 'I'm doomed.'
The specific skills and knowledge that make someone valuable in their role. Not the things you're pretending to be good at on LinkedIn.
Employees who are between projects and sitting idle—like players on a sports bench. It's a nice way of saying 'we're paying you to wait.'
The time it takes a new employee to reach full productivity. It's the polite way of saying 'you're useless for the first three months.'
A mandate forcing remote workers back to physical offices—a decision made by executives who never attended Zoom meetings anyway.
Measurable metrics that track employee or company performance. They're how HR translates 'are you doing your job?' into data.
Team-building exercises designed to help people get to know each other. They break the ice in the sense of creating a thin layer of discomfort that melts slowly.
Continuously recruiting for positions even if they're not currently open. It's like fishing, but with résumés and desperation.
When an employer abruptly cuts off benefits (especially healthcare) immediately upon termination. It's as welcoming as a metaphorical door to the face.
A diagram showing the hierarchy and reporting relationships within a company. It's the visual proof that someone important than you exists.
When your current employer suddenly matches or exceeds a job offer you've accepted elsewhere. It's the corporate equivalent of 'wait, don't leave, I do love you.'
Officially assigned or appointed to a specific role, duty, or responsibility—basically getting picked first, but sometimes you don't want to be picked.
The corporate euphemism for teaching your workforce a completely new skill set because automation just made their old job obsolete—think of it as professional reinvention with mandatory attendance.
The process of bringing an international expatriate employee back to their home country office. Often involves culture shock in reverse.
A percentage that measures how much employees care about work, determined by surveys they fill out while questioning their life choices.
To provide payment, benefits, or other consideration in exchange for services rendered or losses incurred—the art of making someone feel better about their suffering through the universal language of money.
The power to tell people what to do and actually have them listen—the holy grail of leadership. Also: a direct order that questions are not welcome to ask about.
Performance-based pay intended to motivate employees. Studies show it actually causes anxiety and internal competition instead.
Corporate-speak for 'we're getting rid of you through no fault of your own'—basically mass terminations triggered by budget cuts or business downturns, not performance issues. The nicer-sounding cousin of getting fired.
The slow-burning anger that builds when you feel wronged, betrayed, or disrespected—basically the emotion that keeps people therapy-adjacent forever. The gift that keeps on giving (poorly).
The diplomatic way of saying 'I am seriously annoyed with you and everyone should know it.' A polite expression of maximum dissatisfaction.
An employee who can do multiple things adequately, borrowed from tech terminology. Essentially, your one-person army before you hire a proper team.
Society for Human Resource Management—the professional organization that sets standards for HR and makes sure everyone knows the acronym.
Family and Medical Leave Act—U.S. legislation allowing employees unpaid leave for medical/family reasons. It's generous by American standards, which is sad.