The department that turned firing into a growth opportunity.
Full-Time Equivalent, a unit of measurement that reduces human beings to fractions. You might be 1.0 FTE, 0.5 FTE, or, if you're on three cross-functional committees, approximately 3.7 FTE squeezed into one salaried body.
The process of identifying who will take over key roles when current leaders leave, retire, or ascend to a higher plane of executive retreat. In practice, it means everyone secretly knows who the backup is except the backup, who finds out the day their predecessor quits.
A structured model defining the skills, knowledge, and behaviors required for success in various roles. It's HR's attempt to reduce the art of doing a job well into a checklist.
The corporate world's way of saying 'here's some extra cash for specific things' without calling it a raise. This could be travel allowances, housing allowances, or that sweet per diem that employees definitely use exactly as intended. In accounting, it's also shorthand for 'money we've set aside because we know something will probably go wrong.'
A pool of internal candidates ready to move into key roles when they open, theoretically ensuring smooth transitions. It's succession planning's optimistic assumption that people will still be around when you need them.
The formal judgment of someone's value or performance, usually delivered in a conference room that smells like stale coffee and broken dreams. In HR contexts, it's that annual ritual where your boss tells you that your 'growth opportunities' are really just code for 'things you're bad at.' In real estate, it's the number that determines whether your refinance dreams live or die.
A structured program where you learn a trade by actually doing it under an expert's guidance, as opposed to modern education where you rack up debt reading about it. The original learn-while-you-earn model that combines hands-on training with getting paid, proving our ancestors understood work-life balance before it was a buzzword. Historically how people became blacksmiths; today, how people become electricians without student loans.
Paid time off that's definitely not a vacation, given while the company investigates whether you did something fireable. It's the corporate equivalent of "go to your room while we decide your punishment."
Illegally treating employees as independent contractors to avoid taxes, benefits, and labor protections. It's wage theft with extra steps and a business model for the gig economy.
A manager who swoops in unexpectedly, makes a lot of noise, dumps on everything, and flies away leaving others to clean up the mess. They're absent until there's a crisis, then arrive to criticize without context or solutions.
The process of being made into a victim through exploitation, oppression, or discrimination, often systematically and repeatedly. In HR and legal contexts, it refers to someone being treated unfairly or punished for asserting their rights, like reporting harassment and then mysteriously being excluded from meetings. It's the term that acknowledges harm has been done and someone needs to answer for it.
The art of making an employee's job so unpleasant they quit voluntarily, avoiding the legal and financial costs of termination. It's constructive dismissal with a euphemistic name and plausible deniability.
Digital training delivered through computers or devices instead of in-person instruction. Allows employees to complete mandatory compliance training while simultaneously answering emails and questioning their life choices.
The initial introduction of new employees to company policies, culture, and logistics—where the bathrooms are, how to submit timesheets, and why Carol from accounting gets territorial about the microwave. It's everything you need to know to not embarrass yourself on day one.
The ratio of an employee's actual salary to the midpoint of their pay range, expressed as a percentage. A fancy way to calculate exactly how underpaid you are relative to market rate.
The mythical pot of money your employer promises to give you after decades of service, assuming the company still exists and hasn't discovered creative ways to restructure it away. It's the old-school retirement plan that's slowly going extinct, replaced by 401(k)s that shift all the investment risk to you. Europeans still have them; Americans mostly have fond memories.
The state of not being present where you're expected to be, meticulously tracked by HR departments with the enthusiasm of bounty hunters. In corporate settings, unplanned absences are treated like minor felonies, while planned ones require filling out forms in triplicate six months in advance. The number one cause of passive-aggressive emails from managers who 'just wanted to check in' about your whereabouts.
A performance management system requiring managers to rank employees against each other and place them into predetermined categories, typically firing the bottom performers. Jack Welch's gift to corporate culture, also known as 'rank and yank.'
A notice period where departing employees remain on payroll but are barred from working or accessing company resources, preventing them from sharing secrets with competitors. Paid time off for being too dangerous to keep around.
The practice of openly sharing salary ranges, compensation formulas, or actual employee pay—radical honesty that supposedly reduces wage gaps but makes everyone uncomfortable at company parties.
The accumulated costs and inefficiencies from poor management decisions, outdated processes, and suboptimal organizational structure. Like technical debt, but for your org chart and workflows.
Software that manages job applications, resumes, and candidate communications throughout the hiring process. It's the black hole where your carefully crafted resume goes to die because it didn't contain the right keywords.
The noble art of arguing passionately in favor of something, usually while armed with statistics, emotional appeals, and an unwavering belief that you're on the right side of history. In corporate and nonprofit settings, it's the formal practice of championing a cause, person, or idea—often involving lobbying, public speaking, and strategic nagging. Think of it as professional persistence with a mission statement.
Compensation components included in base salary calculations, as opposed to 'below-the-line' benefits and perks. It's the money that counts for calculating everything from bonuses to retirement contributions—the stuff that actually matters.