Definition

Full-Time Equivalent, a unit of measurement that reduces human beings to fractions. You might be 1.0 FTE, 0.5 FTE, or, if you're on three cross-functional committees, approximately 3.7 FTE squeezed into one salaried body.

Example Usage

"I'm technically 1.0 FTE but I do the work of 2.5 FTEs. The 1.5 phantom FTEs are the positions that were frozen in last year's budget review." - A fractional human

Related Terms

Beginner

benefit

The compensation beyond salary that companies dangle to make mediocre pay packages seem attractive—think health insurance, 401(k) matching, and 'unlimited PTO' you're guilted into not using. In insurance-speak, it's the actual payout you receive after jumping through bureaucratic hoops. These perks are allegedly worth thousands, though somehow never translate to actual cash in your pocket.

👥 Human Resources
Intermediate

Retention

The corporate art of convincing employees not to leave, usually attempted only after they've already accepted another offer. Retention strategies include counter-offers, pizza parties, and the classic "but we're a family" speech.

👥 Human Resources
Intermediate

Total Compensation

The inflated number companies present to make your salary look bigger by adding in health insurance you can't use, stock that hasn't vested, and the "value" of free parking. It's the salary equivalent of counting the packaging as part of the product.

👥 Human Resources
Intermediate

employer value proposition

The unique set of benefits and experiences an organization offers employees in exchange for their skills and effort. It's the answer to 'why would anyone work here?' that marketing writes and reality contradicts.

👥 Human Resources
Beginner

unlimited PTO

A vacation policy with no set limit on days off, theoretically giving employees freedom but often resulting in people taking less time off due to guilt and unclear boundaries. It's Schrödinger's benefit—simultaneously generous and stingy.

👥 Human Resources
Intermediate

performance improvement plan

A formal document outlining performance deficiencies and required improvements, theoretically offering support but practically serving as termination paperwork. The corporate 'we need to talk' that never ends well.

👥 Human Resources

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