ramp time

Definition

How long it takes a new hire to become fully productive, or the grace period before management starts openly questioning if you were a hiring mistake. It's a countdown to expectations.

Example Usage

Our sales ramp time is six months, meaning you're basically expensive overhead until mid-year.

Source: HR and sales management terminology

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gross misconduct

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return to office mandate

A corporate policy proving that middle managers need to physically see you working to justify their existence. Often disguised as promoting 'collaboration' while actually just protecting expensive real estate investments.

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intern

A person working for experience instead of money, which is definitely a fair trade according to your employer. Often found fetching coffee and mastering the art of looking busy while learning that their degree taught them nothing about the actual job. The term technically means someone imprisoned, which feels surprisingly accurate around month three.

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competency framework

A structured model defining the skills, knowledge, and behaviors required for success in various roles. It's HR's attempt to reduce the art of doing a job well into a checklist.

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disability

In HR-speak, a physical, mental, or cognitive condition that may require workplace accommodations, protected under various laws that employers pretend to understand fully. It's the reason your office now has ramps, adjustable desks, and a 47-page accommodation policy that no one has actually read. Modern workplaces treat this as both a legal minefield and an opportunity to demonstrate their commitment to diversity via poorly-designed stock photos.

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grievance

An official complaint filed by an employee who feels wronged, usually involving a multi-page document detailing how management has failed them. It's the workplace equivalent of writing a strongly worded letter to your mother, except this one goes through HR and potentially arbitration. Often the opening salvo in what becomes an epic saga of meetings, documentation, and passive-aggressive email chains.

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tfyoa

the f**k you on about...