Definition

Key Performance Indicator: a number that determines your worth as a human being every quarter. The corporate equivalent of a video game score, except nobody is having fun and the prizes are just more KPIs.

Example Usage

"Your KPIs are looking soft this quarter, Jenkins," said the manager, wielding a spreadsheet like a disappointed parent holding a report card.

Related Terms

Intermediate

variable pay

Compensation that fluctuates based on performance, including bonuses, commissions, and incentives rather than fixed salary. It's the carrot-and-stick approach where the carrot's size depends on whether you met your KPIs this quarter.

👥 Human Resources
Advanced

cone of uncertainty

A project management concept representing how forecast accuracy improves as you get closer to a deadline, visualized as a cone narrowing over time. It's why your six-month estimate is essentially a dart throw blindfolded.

💼 Corporate / Business
Beginner

hallmark

A distinguishing feature that screams 'this is definitely the real deal' or 'made by someone who knows what they're doing.' Originally the official stamp proving your gold was actually gold and not just shiny brass, now it's any characteristic that defines quality or authenticity. It's the marker of legitimacy, whether on precious metals or in describing someone's distinctive style.

💼 Corporate / Business
Intermediate

tour of duty

A fixed-term employment approach where both employer and employee commit to a specific project or time period with clear expectations and an endpoint. Think of it as a mission-based relationship rather than 'til death (or layoffs) do us part.

👥 Human Resources
Beginner

P D Q

An old-school acronym meaning "pretty damn quick" that your grandfather probably used unironically. This vintage expression for speedy action has survived decades by being just ambiguous enough for polite company while everyone knows what the D really stands for. The linguistic equivalent of a wink and a nod.

💼 Corporate / Business
Beginner

accountability

The corporate principle that someone, somewhere, should theoretically be responsible for outcomes, though determining exactly who remains mysteriously elusive during crisis moments. This obligation to answer for results and maintain accurate records sounds great in mission statements but often vanishes faster than donuts in a breakroom. It's the business world's favorite buzzword that everyone demands but few actually practice.

💼 Corporate / Business

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