Offboarding

Definition

The administrative process of un-hiring someone, which involves revoking access, collecting laptops, and pretending the transition is seamless when everyone knows the departing employee was the only one who knew the Wi-Fi password.

Example Usage

"My offboarding checklist had 34 items. After 5 years of work, my entire existence was reduced to a series of checkboxes and a Slack deactivation." - A freshly offboarded human

Related Terms

Beginner

disputes

In HR land, the polite corporate term for 'people yelling at each other about who ate whose yogurt,' escalated to include formal grievances, arbitration, and occasionally lawyers. These disagreements can range from genuinely important issues like discrimination to Jerry insisting his cubicle is 2.3 inches smaller than Sarah's. Most companies have a 47-step dispute resolution process designed to make everyone too exhausted to continue fighting.

👥 Human Resources

Advanced

disparate impact

Employment practices that appear neutral but disproportionately harm protected groups—essentially discrimination by spreadsheet rather than intent. It's illegal even when accidental, requiring employers to prove business necessity.

👥 Human Resources

Beginner

retaining

The act of keeping employees from fleeing to competitors, usually achieved through a combination of competitive salaries, stock options, free snacks, and the vague promise of 'culture.' When used in legal contexts, it refers to paying someone a retainer so they'll actually return your calls. Both definitions involve spending money to prevent abandonment.

👥 Human Resources

Intermediate

blind hiring

Recruiting practices that remove identifying information from applications to reduce unconscious bias, like names, photos, or school names. Trying to trick hiring managers into being objective.

👥 Human Resources

Beginner

spot award

An immediate, informal recognition or bonus given for exceptional work without waiting for formal review cycles. It's the workplace equivalent of getting gold stars in elementary school, except the stars might be $500.

👥 Human Resources

Intermediate

defector

An employee who jumps ship to work for the competition, usually taking trade secrets, client lists, and the good coffee machine pods with them. In corporate circles, defectors are simultaneously reviled by their former employers and celebrated by their new ones—at least until they defect again. The term carries a whiff of Cold War espionage, which is frankly appropriate given how HR treats these situations.

👥 Human Resources

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wtfigoh

what the f**k is going on here...