Numbers dressed up in fancy suits pretending to be words.
The vig—that interest rate so steep it makes a payday lender look charitable. Casinos and loan sharks love charging this, turning a small debt into a financial black hole through sheer compounding aggression.
Computer programs that make trades faster than humans can blink, ensuring that retail investors will always lose money. Wall Street's way of cheating at poker.
The average number of days it takes to collect payment after making a sale—how much you're essentially bankrolling customers before they pay.
Hypothetical financial statements based on assumptions about the future—basically, a financial fairy tale presented as a business case.
A theater performance where executives carefully explain why revenue missed expectations while stock prices mysteriously soar.
A stock pumped by internet communities convinced they're beating Wall Street, usually before losing money spectacularly.
The two sides of double-entry bookkeeping: debits increase assets/expenses and decrease liabilities/revenue, while credits do the opposite—intentionally confusing and the reason accounting seems designed to frustrate everyone.
When auditors essentially say 'these financial statements are accurate, except for that huge problem we couldn't verify'—basically, a financial report card with an asterisk.
The process of verifying that transactions recorded in accounting journals match supporting documentation—basically, proving that your entries weren't made up.
Money you hand over to a retirement plan, fund, or charity so the spreadsheet can call it an investment. In finance, a contribution is a deposit into a savings or pension vehicle, usually on a schedule, so you feel responsible without necessarily feeling rich.
The art of hoarding cash, assets, or compound interest like a financial squirrel preparing for winter. It's what happens when you stop spending everything and let exponential growth do the boring but beautiful work.
The percentage of revenue that becomes actual profit after all expenses—the number investors actually care about because it's the bottom line (literally).
Money or time that is technically yours to spend, which in practice means the budget line everyone raids first. Discretionary spending is whatever is left after the mandatory bills, the mandatory meetings, and the mandatory guilt have all been paid.
A detailed breakdown of which vendor invoices are due soon and which ones you've been ignoring for months—a document that makes CFOs very anxious.
Financial calculations determining how long a company can operate on its current cash reserves and burn rate. The metrics that determine whether your startup lives or dies.
Having just enough—that magical sweet spot between broke and drowning in surplus. In finance, it's what your CFO promises during budget cuts and what never quite materializes.
The financial muscle behind your balance sheet—how much your company can actually withstand before it implodes. Think of it as the opposite of that creeping feeling that everything's held together with duct tape and optimism.
Selling ownership stakes in your company to investors for cash, or 'we're diluting your shares to avoid running out of money.'
A doomsday-prepper survival checklist of Gold, Ground (real estate), Gasoline, Grub, and Guns—the essentials you allegedly need when society collapses and it's every person for themselves. Popularized by Rich Dad author Robert Kiyosaki as the apocalypse shopping list.
An inventory accounting method where you assume the first units purchased are the first ones sold, because apparently time works the way you learned it in kindergarten.
A financial fund pooling investor money into diversified securities, or that awkward social media thing where you both follow each other and pretend you're friends. Technically a mutual fund is a professionally managed investment vehicle; socially, it's the digital equivalent of 'we're acquainted.'
A valuation method that projects future cash flows and discounts them back to present value, or 'let's guess about the future and make it look scientific.'
The average rate of return a company needs to earn on its investments to satisfy both debt and equity holders, or the 'hurdle rate' for whether a project is worth it.
An inventory accounting method where you assume the last units purchased are the first ones sold, useful for pretending inflation doesn't exist.