Definition

A documented series of steps that transforms chaos into reproducible mediocrity, beloved by corporations everywhere. These rigid instructions ensure that everyone can achieve the same result with mind-numbing consistency. The corporate equivalent of a recipe, except instead of delicious food, you get compliance checkboxes.

Example Usage

According to procedure, you'll need to fill out forms 27-B through 34-C before we can approve your request to change a lightbulb.

Source: Common business terminology

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managed out

The euphemistic process of making an employee's work life sufficiently miserable that they resign voluntarily, avoiding the messy paperwork of termination. Constructive dismissal with a corporate smile.

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compromise

The art of everyone leaving slightly unhappy but still functional, where opposing parties meet in the middle and pretend they're satisfied. In business, it's how deals get done when neither side will budge completely. In data security, it's the nightmare scenario where your system's been breached and sensitive info may have leaked—definitely not the feel-good version.

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Optics

How something looks to outsiders, which apparently matters more than what actually happens. The corporate world's admission that perception is reality and reality is just a suggestion.

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key performance indicator

A metric supposedly measuring what matters, inevitably gaming behavior as people optimize for the KPI rather than actual success. Commonly abbreviated to KPI by people who measure many things and understand few.

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customer

The person or entity whose money you desperately want, requiring you to pretend their feedback is valuable and their complaints are reasonable. In corporate speak, they're always right, even when they're spectacularly wrong. Modern businesses have rebranded them as "users," "clients," or "guests" to make the transaction feel less transactional.

💼 Corporate / Business

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open-door policy

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